Ha Ha Ha Ha – He He – its the writers life for me! …….. Yes – I’m Back Blogbusters!
– UN-censored – UN-compromising and UN-paid! …… wha! wha! wha!
So …. Earwig go!
They say that everybody has a book in them – (owch)
The trick is … NOT to write it!
Here are excerpts from 3 books that l wont never write …. (please note clever use of double negative) …
TITLE: To HuLL and BaCK!
DraG mE To HuLL! ……… price £1.50 from all good wine sellers
Subject: Autobiographical, starting with my ignominious (whatever that means?) expulsion from school ….. and culminating in my meteoric rise to fame with popular beat combo Squeeze – (never heard of them). When l triumphantly return to my home town – drunk with success (throws up) to play at Hull City Hall ……
(so what?) ……. I stay at my parents’ house … accompanied by wise cracking jools.
Me: ‘ Hello Mum … I’m Back! … and this is Jools Holland! ‘
Mum: ‘ I don’t care if he’s New Holland – he can’t come in here looking like that! ‘
Jools: ‘ Ladies and Gentlemen ……… KEANE! ‘
No? …. oh well … how about this one then:-
TITLE: My TraVeLs wItH TiLbRoOk … download onto your ipad for 99p! (in your dreams)
SUBJECT: when l first joined Squeeze back in the late 1870’s – we had to double up on hotel rooms. This was made particularly difficult as there were 5 of us! anyway anyway anyway …. it was my Squeezable duty to share with the charming Mr. Tilbrook. And – as you can imagine – we got up to all sorts of of mischief!
SHORT PASSAGE? ……. “Actress the as Bishop to said the” (re-arrange into well known phrase or saying)
John: ‘ that was a nice day wasn’t it Glenn? ‘
Glenn: ‘ yes John …. Wizard! ‘
John: ‘ g’ night then Glenn ‘
Glenn: ‘ g’night John ……… (pause) ……… Johhhhnnn? ‘
John: ‘ yes Glenn? ‘
Glenn: ‘ would you be so kind as to pass the Lucozade? !! ‘
TITLE: ElViS AnD Me in VeGaS ……. out of print (sorry)
SUBJECT: in 1981 Me Elvis (Costello obviously) – an armed body guard (he’d had death threats) and Glenn (he hadn’t) all went on a trip to Las Vegas. its true honest!
Hooker: ‘ where do ya think you’re going? ‘
John: ‘ just up to my room ‘
Hooker: ‘ you want company?
John: ‘ I doubt you could afford it! ‘
That concludes this weeks blog of my un-written works …. and I’m sure that its all as true then as it was now!
Squeek next week ……
John Bentley …. Master Blogger – Bassist and Columnist.